My list of Asperger’s traits, part two of four

Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation

1. May have been diagnosed as autistic or Asperger’s when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits.

I wasn’t even aware Asperger’s could be a female thing until three weeks ago. I was always in the gifted program, honors classes in high school and college. There was talk of skipping me grades a couple of time. Always very shy, but took acting and speech classes in high school that seemed to help me learn to work around it. I have always been very sensitive to other people’s emotions, and to criticism. I never had any learning deficits, really, though. I usually excelled at most everything to a certain point, but almost always hit a wall that I can’t quite explain, where I just couldn’t go any further. This has resulted in my having lots of college credits, and no degree.

2. Often musical, artistic

I was very music and drama oriented, but I never did learn to read music properly. I played and sang by ear, learned my parts by listening to everyone else, or tinkering on a piano for the note. I am sensitive to colors, although my taste appears to be very different from most, and have good artistic sensibilities, but I lack the coordination and/or the ability to translate what I see into drawing or painting, and it always leads to frustration. I am pretty good with counted cross stitch and crochet, with patterns, but I get flustered a lot and distracted if I am trying to work without a pattern.

3. May have a savant skill or strong talent.

I’ve never found one. Can being fairly proficient at pretty much anything I pick up be considered a strong talent? There are very few things I’ve ever tried that I simply cannot do. I can do many, even most things, to a decent level or proficiency, and then I hit a wall. I never progress to expert in anything. This has been both bad and good in my life. I can do just about any job if given enough time to learn it, but I’m never good enough to be one of the really great ones. I have so many interests and things that I’m good at that I can never decide what to focus on.

4. May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological or visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate towards writing, languages, cultural studies and psychology.

Half of my college credits, beyond the required gen-eds, are computer related, and the other half are English, geography, anthropology and psychology. I find this interesting because every time I take a right brain/left brain test, I score almost perfectly or perfectly 50/50. Most of my personality tests put me in the middle of everything. Again, in all of these subjects, I’m very knowledgeable in all of these areas, but not enough to get a good paying job or finish a degree.

5. May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and may possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well.

I don’t remember when I learned to read, and my mom doesn’t either, but I don’t remember ever NOT reading. I remember being able to read the word “Open” on a sign when I was very young, I want to say probably around 3. I’ve always read anything I can get my hands on. When I was a kid, and still to a degree, I am almost always reading something. Cereal boxes when I’m eating breakfast, shampoo bottles in the bathtub, spending hours sounding out and discerning the meaning of all the chemical names on the bottles, stuff like that. I used to read the dictionary, copy from encyclopedias, I can spell almost anything, and I see the word clearly in my mind when people ask me. I think in words a lot, not images or ideas, but actual written language in my mind. As for other skills, I have always told people, when asked if I know how to do something, “No, but give me a little time, and I will learn.” I like to think about myself as infinitely trainable to do just about any job.

5. May be highly educated, but will have struggled with the social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees.

I have majored in English, psychology, math, education, music, theater, accounting, business management, web design, and management information systems. If you add all of my credits together, I have enough for a solid PhD. I do not even have a post-secondary certificate. This has always been a HUGE issue for me. The social aspects of college are very difficult. I remember when I went right out of high school. I was so overwhelmed. After only a week there, I started hiding around campus, trying to be “social” without being social. I would stick my nose in a book, and let the world pass me by. This led to my latching on to my first husband suddenly and completely, because he afforded me a way to feel real. I’ve dropped out of a few other programs because I just got overwhelmed. Large classes wig me out. The dawn of online classes has been a big thing for me; I can learn without having to be around other people.

6. May be very passionate about a course of study or job, then change direction and go completely cold on it very quickly.

This is a big part of why #5 happens. I do this all the time. The only thing that hasn’t done that with me so far is crochet. I’ve quit more than one job spontaneously. One, as an assistant manager at a grocery store, I left in the middle of the day and left my keys on the desk in my office. Once I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough. I rarely give two weeks’ notice when I change jobs. Most of my jobs I’ve held down for long periods of time, but I have always gravitated towards jobs where I can use my brain, and the job is diverse enough to keep me from being bored. My hobbies are much the same. This has often frustrated people around me, because once the shelf life runs out on that hobby, I’m done, regardless of how many supplies I have around, or what project I have sitting. I’ve never understood why this frustrated people so much, but I guess this isn’t normal for people. My hubby is quite supportive though and has always been very patient with my flightiness.

7. Will often have trouble holding on to a job, and may find employment daunting.

This hasn’t really been the case for me, but there are certain jobs I found too difficult to maintain, or aspects of certain jobs I just couldn’t do. Working in an electronics store, I refused to ask people personal information for no good reason, and it got me in trouble. I tried working at a mall boutique store once, that lasted about 2 weeks because I hated having to talk to all the bouncy teenagers. Another job at a dollar store also lasted two weeks because I could not handle cleaning up all the clutter that accumulated in that store…it was always trashed, and I simply could not keep up. I hate jobs where I have to talk on the phone a lot, and could never do a telemarketing job. My best work has always been one with minimal supervision and human contact. Just tell me what you want done, then leave me alone and let me do it. I’ve been a stay at home mom now for 4 years, though, and the thought of having to go back out into the workplace as a grunt is very daunting to me. I’m looking at opening a small handmade crafts store this summer, but I’m doing it in a known location, in a small space, with things and people I am comfortable with.

8. Highly intelligent yet can sometimes be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

This happens to me most often in two areas: reading certain things, and trying to converse in a noisy or busy environment. There are certain books I’ve tried to read, for example the Silmarillion by Tolkein or the Mabinogion, that I simply can’t muddle through because I get too distracted by the names of places and things and how to pronounce them. It becomes such an issue, I can’t simply skip over them, so I just give up trying. Through high school and college, I NEVER read a text book. When I try, I get muddled, and I lose the information. I became very good at outlining and skimming, and it’s managed to get me through most classes. In noisy areas, I simply lose all track of the conversation, my brain goes off on it’s own and I can’t “hear” anything the person is saying to me.

9. Will not do well with verbal instruction, needs to write down or draw diagram.

For me, this is the case in some issues, but in others, it’s the opposite. It really depends on what it is. If people start telling me their schedules or itineraries, I always tell them, write it down. I do well with diagrams, if they are clearly done. But there are times when I will read instructions, and they simply won’t compute, and I need someone to explain it to me. It does usually help to have someone show me how to do something. I like video tutorials a lot. I will get very flustered though if a step has been missed; it’s sometimes hard for me to figure out what’s missing.

10. Will have obsessions, but they are not as unusual as her male counterparts.

Many of my obsessions have toned down over the years. I used to be a walking popular  music encyclopedia. I could name almost any song, artist, and often the album and year they came out. I was obsessed with geography and world religions. I’m not sure that at the moment I have any obsessions. Study of Asperger’s is a big interest right now, but I don’t think it’s obsessive.

My list of Asperger’s traits, part one of four

I’m starting here, because, well, this is where I started. I found this list while looking for reasons for my extreme sound sensitivity. By the time I was done reading it, I was bawling. So, I shall start from the start. I want to go through this list mainly for my loved ones who must deal with all my quirks, and for those who wonder how and why I came, and jumped headlong, to this conclusion.

Appearance/Personal Habits

1. Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality.
I have always preferred clothes that are too big to clothes that are too small. I cut the tags out of stuff because my shoulders and neck are very sensitive. I wear very little jewelry on a regular basis because the weight and things like loose fitting rings drive me to distraction. I don’t like certain fabrics, sexy undies usually drive me nuts because of the scratchy lace. I opt for soft cotton granny nightgowns because they feel good against my skin. I hate scratchy towels and blankets. I don’t like clothes that are difficult to put on, take off, or wear in general. I hate the feel of pantyhose and refuse to wear them, but thick tights are fine, they don’t feel like they are falling off. I can’t stand low rise jeans, I always feel like I’m going to lose my pants. I avoid heels unless they are platforms because I have balance issues a lot.

2. Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be “wash and wear”. Can be quite happy not grooming at all at times.
I have waist length hair that I almost always wear in a ponytail. I’ve had it short, even down to 5/8″, and even then, I rarely do anything with my hair. Most days, if I don’t have to go out of the house, I don’t bother to brush it. I rarely wear makeup, I hate the way it feels on my skin. I wash my hair once a week, and bathe/shower maybe twice a week unless I’ve gotten very sweaty or dirty. My biggest issue is my teeth. For whatever reason, I hate brushing them and I always manage to put it off till I can’t anymore. My teeth are very sensitive, hot and cold foods hurt, and brushing hurts. How I’ve managed to go to my 39th year without a cavity I will never know, I do have gum disease, though, so I am trying really hard to remember to brush more often. I’ve gotten to the point that I usually remember to brush once a day. I say “usually”. I know this bugs a lot of people, but it’s just one of those things that escapes me most of the time. Not to mention, I HATE dentists. Until just recently, I’ve always bitten my nails and cuticles, sometimes all the way down to the second knuckle, leaving bleeding sores on my hands. Everyone I know freaks out over this. But my three year old gets so distressed about it, she tells me to stop every time she sees it. At the moment, I have two small snags on my cuticles that I trimmed with clippers after I caught them on something.

3. Eccentric personality, may be reflected in appearance.

I love weird clothes. There was a period in my life where I dressed to please the man I was married to, but before and after, I was usually dressed in something strange. In high school, much to my mom’s dismay, my favorite outfit was an olive green top with matching footless tights, a red polyester mini skirt, big, black clunky shoes, and an old red and black plaid flannel. I could often be seen wearing outfits I pieced together from the wardrobe room of the drama department at my school. Later in life, when I was a working stiff having to wear uniforms every day, I took to the habit of wearing crazy, usually mismatched, socks. I still love my socks, and they don’t always match my outfit. I’m at a point in my life that I am loving the brightest colored, rainbow hued clothes I can find. I like clothes with funny things on them, like Dr. Seuss, Nerds, Hello Kitty. I’ve made three generations or more of my family and friends wince, shake their heads, hide or laugh at my fashion choices. I love having multicolored hair too, except it’s way too hard to maintain, and I get lazy (see above) :).

4. Is youthful for her age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

This is mostly true. I think I look a bit younger than 39, but I’m not getting carded anymore. My dress is somewhat more youthful than other people my age, except for the comfort thing. My nightgowns are decidedly granny material. My behavior is another story. I am quite self conscious, and so, a lot of the silliness I might otherwise exhibit gets stifled. I have difficulty with playing with my daughter, which is a pain in my ass. I’m working on trying to loosen that up. I think a lot of that comes from being teased in school, and my first husband always telling me to grow up and act my age. I’ve stifled a lot of that. Another part of that is my sound sensitivity. It takes the fun out of family game night when I get brain fried after three rounds of yatzee. My tastes are definitely younger though. I recently went shopping for a set of headphones to help me when I get overstimulated, and fell in love with a Hello Kitty pair with silver spangles. I seem to have skipped the teenage years. I’m either all business, or I’m about 9 :). I adore Hot Topic and Disney movies :).

5. Usually a little more expressive with face and gesture than male counterparts.

On this one, I don’t fit the pattern. I am very expressive. But I wasn’t always. I took speech and debate and drama in high school, and I’m very good at observation and imitation, so I tend to overemphasize if anything. I don’t have a stony face. I do, however, seem to have issues showing my true feelings on my face sometimes, usually when I am most at an emotional attachment loss. This seems to manifest mostly when someone I know is grieving or stressed. I’m horrible with it. I just sit and try to give them advice, and it always comes off as uncaring and cold.

6. May have many androgynous traits despite an outwardly feminine appearance. Thinks of herself as half-male, half-female.

When I was a kid, a lot of people thought I was a boy. I acted more like a boy, but I still had girlie traits. I preferred playing with the guys, when anyone would let me actually join in. I didn’t have a lot of interest in the games the girls played, and I was too uncoordinated for most of the sports the guys played. Having asthma put a big crimp in that arena. I’ve been accused of thinking like a man a lot in my life, especially at work. Many of the jobs I’ve held have been in predominantly male areas, such as managing an electronics store, and working as a computer tech. Today, I don’t think I have many traits people would consider masculine really. But I think a lot of that is due to my current husband, working very hard to bring me out of my shell. My feminine expression seems to manifest as very young girlish tho, not womanly. I am also solidly bisexual/biamorous. I do not prefer one gender to the other, it’s pretty 50/50. Another interesting point is on many personality tests, tests to determine your political/religious affiliation, right brain/left brain, I usually score half way between the options. Except the Aspie tests. Those I am decidedly lopsided 🙂

7. May not have a strong sense of identity, and may be very chameleon like, especially before diagnosis.

This was the first trait on the list to freak me out and make my eyes well up. Oh, how I have struggled with this my ENTIRE life. In elementary school, I was the butt of almost all of the bullying around me. Even the younger kids picked on me. I was always trying to fit in and make everyone happy, at home, at school, at church, and always failing miserably and always feeling like I was an outsider in my own life. In junior high, I moved to a different town, and I made a conscious choice to change me. I started watching other people. I often gravitated to one or two people and would just assume their likes, dislikes, even their mannerisms. I wanted so much to fit in. This continued through high school and into college. The most devastating was my first marriage. I literally changed EVERYTHING about myself to suit what my husband wanted, what he liked. I drove myself to bulimia trying to be perfect in his eyes. I stopped wearing makeup altogether, stopped wearing the clothing I liked because it made him jealous, I changed my taste in music. I was so good at the chameleon changes that it was seamless. About half way through our marriage, while dealing with postpartum depression from my second child, I told him that I didn’t even know who I was. I was a shell of a person. A mere reflection of others around me. I tried to kill myself more than once, and only succeeded in screwing up my stomach. I was cutting to relieve the stress that I didn’t really realize I was under. When I met my second husband, I started doing it again. But he wouldn’t have it. We went to some pretty extreme measures that maybe I’ll get into some day, but it took a lot of work and patience for him to get me out of that cycle. I’m still learning who I am, and this blog is part of that.

8. Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often scifi, fantasy, children’s, can have favorites that are a refuge.

This one is definitely me. I love fantasy novels, and retellings of fairy tales. I enjoy science fiction if I don’t have to think too much. I read for enjoyment, and I find that reading assigned work is very difficult, even when the topic is interesting. I managed to get through two years of high school honors English having read only two of the novels assigned for summer reading. The rest I did Cliffs notes and faked my way through. I don’t ever read text books, never have. I skim and take notes. This served my well usually, unless there was an obscure question on a test about such and such’s not so famous quote that wasn’t in bold print. I love books, get caught up n reading for hours on end. I can’t go to sleep at night without reading for at least a half an hour. I used to be very into movies too, but for the last several years, we haven’t had cable, so I’ve lost a lot of that. I still like movies, but with a three year old, I rarely get to watch one uninterrupted, and interruptions make me lose interest quickly.

9. Uses control as a stress management technique. Rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality.

This is likely the hardest one for my kids and younger siblings to have dealt with. I have things I want done my way. It drives me nuts when it isn’t. Right now, my living situation is quite crowded, and my roomies are much more laid back, haphazard, fly by the seat of their pants. This drives me to distraction. I have tried recently to just stay in my room, where I can control things, because outside of my room, I feel like I’ve been sucked into a tornado vortex. It’s gotten worse recently, to the point I was having panic attacks and lashing out because no one was working things the way I like them. So, right now, it’s better for all of our sanity if I just avoid the issue. Once that situation changes, I will work on getting my schedule and my surroundings organized in my way for my peace. That should help me a lot. The other issue this has caused for me, is that am am almost ADD flighty. This tweaks my own sense of organization, and I go through phases where I get so annoyed with my own disorder, I freak out and clean and rearrange the whole house in a day. This has been me the last two days. I had surgery a couple months back, and I’m not up to my usual energy level, but I still managed to clean and rearrange my bedroom in 7 hours, top to bottom. When my surroundings are orderly, my brain is more orderly. If only I could stop myself better when I am so absorbed in what I am doing that I just throw my stuff wherever, then I wouldn’t work myself into a tizzy as often. That is a work in progress.

9. Usually happiest at home or other controlled environment.
I used to be much better at this than I am now. I had to work much of my young adult life, and I think I just learned to cope because I had to. I’ve been a stay at home mom now for 4 years, and it’s taken me a long time to adjust. Lately, though, I find myself hesitant to go places that I am not familiar with. Going somewhere alone that I’ve never been to scares me to death. I have to plan out my route, with alternatives, because if I get lost, I get very stressed. My direction sense stinks, which doesn’t help. I’m ok going to my local grocery store alone, because it’s familiar. I hate Walmart and malls, unless I am with family or friends I know well. Even then, if it’s super busy, there’s no way I will stick around. Hot Friday shopping is an absolute no go for me. The only places I have ever found that I enjoy going alone are thrift stores and craft shops. I can spend hours in there indulging my obsessions :).

It’s almost 4am, so I guess I should wrap this up for tonight. I’ll write more tomorrow.