I had a little set back yesterday. When I was pregnant with my three year old, she was a twin. At 12 weeks, I lost her brother, and almost lost her as well. I spent the rest of my pregnancy on bed rest (I would spend a full year on bed rest between the in vitro procedure and the high risk pregnancy). The day I got home from the hospital from the miscarriage, I went and sat in the park for awhile, just to be, to ground, and to listen to my heart. He was the second baby I’d lost, in my life, and in my heart I know both my angels are boys. As I was sitting there, scared, heartbroken, hoping that I wouldn’t lose both of them, I saw two pine cones, side by side. One had shed it seeds, but was still intact, with all its scales. Sitting right next to it was a cone that had even shed its scales…just a cob really. It reminded me of the ultrasound of my babies…one flourishing, the other obviously not. That ultrasound ripped my heart out, and gave me hope at the same time…a singular experience.
Yesterday, I realized I’ve lost the pine cone cob.
It was on my altar last I saw it, but somehow, in the move and the bustle, it’s gone.
Of all the things for me to lose….this is just about the worst. I can’t replace it…not ever. Nothing will be the same.
But let me tell you…my little girl has two souls inside her. You can see it in her eyes. She is precocious (all my girls are), but there’s something about her…everyone who knows her FEELS it. I think she’s Aspie too…she shows a lot of the signs. But there’s something so special about her…I know in my heart her brother let go so he could make sure SHE got to live, and now she lives for both of them. She tries to fill every day with as much fun, laughter, and learning as she can.
So I promised myself this morning, I will get up off my ass and LIVE. No, that doesn’t mean I’m going to go base jumping or storm chasing, it just means I need to get more out of the days I have. I want my daughter to know that life is precious, and wonderful, even when it sucks. That we all face challenges but it’s about surmounting them, right?
So today, I got up, cleaned my house, worked on cleaning up my yard, exercised my body with my daughter watching and helping, bit by bit putting my husband’s and my dream back together. I can either let that dream scatter, or we can pick up and start over. We wouldn’t be the first to have a farm fail, or the first to pick it back up 3 years later. We won’t be the first to have grand plans of community that just never came through. I still have dreams of that pseudo-commune :). I still want that network of folks who want to help each other, who don’t care about money, but more about helping each other out through hard work, generosity, kindness, and common goals. I just need to look deeper next time. Not everyone wants what I see…does that mean I flush it? Or does it mean I adjust, and try again?
So, right now, I’m focusing on getting MY end together, and strengthening those relationships that WANT me and my vision. I can’t let myself become jaded. What I want is still right, and good. So, onward I go.