I’m afraid I might be be starting to sound like a broken record. I could go back and read my old posts, make sure I’m not saying something I’ve already said, but that takes too much time :). So, I’ll just apologize if I’m becoming redundant and go from there.
Pretty much everything about my daily life has changed in the last two weeks. I should be joyful, relaxed and happy. Instead, I find I’m listless, unfocused and grumpy. My family, I think, thinks I’m crazy because I’m not overjoyed. You would think having my house to myself, organized the way I want, less noise and chaos, would make me happy. It should.
I guess I’m just stinging a little by how everything changed so fast, and why. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but it was just rather abrupt. Yes, we’d been talking about splitting households for awhile, but I thought the process would take time. It didn’t. It’s hard to explain to people that any change, good or bad, that happens with little time for me to process is jolting.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m adjusting fine, outwardly. I’ve got a decent housecleaning system set up, things are neat, organized, and even decorated. My family seems very calm, and restful. Dinners have been good, and I’ve been experimenting with gluten-free stuff. For that I am thankful.
But for me, I’m struggling with feelings of failure. Feeling like I should have done more, said more, said LESS, that I’ve let everyone down, they’re just afraid to say it because I have this bad habit of freaking out. Then, there’s all the things I know I SHOULD be doing, that I am finding very difficult to focus on. I have things that need to be made, and if I don’t get on the ball shortly (like within days), I will be woefully behind. Knowing this doesn’t help me a bit. I kind of drift off, get caught up in something, and before I know it, hours have passed. This really can’t continue, but I really don’t know how to get myself organized in my own head.
I’m going to revamp my schedule to adjust to new developments; maybe that will help. Maybe my days are TOO free now, and I need to get some things going to keep myself busy. I have a couple self help books I might go through. I have some spiritual studies to do.
I still feel a bit as if there’s a shoe waiting to drop. I’m hoping this will fade with time.