Migraines, Meltdowns and Words

I had a meltdown today, but I bet no one knew but my spouses and maybe my oldest daughter.

I think that means I handled it well, and correctly.

I didn’t scream or throw things, and I only cried a little, in private. That’s good, right?

The only evidence of my inability to cope today was a brain-splitting migraine. One I had to take Excedrine for, meaning I will now be up all night wired for sound. Having light and sound sensitivity during a meltdown AND a migraine is a singular experience. Now I am totally exhausted with no hope of sleeping because my brain is racing, and my body is wired. How can I be so damn tired and hyper at the same time?

This sucks.

I’m going through major life changes, and I found out one of my spouses is gravely ill. She, as always, is a trooper, and taking it as she does. I am doing my best to do what I do without feeling guilty…meaning, I say “Ok, so now what? Let’s fix your diet, let’s exercise, let’s get you some supplements, I’ll be over tomorrow to dust.” I know there should be something else I should say, but I don’t have the words. “I love you” doesn’t cut it, today. But that’s all I got. Other than that, I’m Mrs. Fixit. That’s how I cope. I wash dishes, because dishes are concrete, and they won’t go anywhere unless I do them. I plan my schedule, because I gotta make time to do things (wish I could make 10 more hours in my day…that would be awesome.)

I will say, today has been much easier than it would have been a month ago. Having the label “Aspergers” became a huge benefit today, when I’d been mulling over how it’s been such an obstacle all day. Today, because I have words now, I was able to tell my husband “I am overloaded”, and he knew EXACTLY what I meant. He stepped in, took over, made my plate for dinner, turned off the lights, rubbed my feet, until I was calm again and the blinding pain in my head eased. This would not have been possible 4 weeks ago. I was able to talk to my beloved, and tell her “I don’t have words” and she knew EXACTLY what I meant, and it was ok. Because she knew that me taking over, and saying “We’ll do this, and this, and this” is what I do.

THIS is why I don’t need that official diagnosis. All I need are words.

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