Right now, I’m debating something in my head.
Should I out myself as Aspie, without the psuedonym?
I’ve had a mixed bag of reception, mostly positive, but I see behind some eyes that’s there that question…”Is she making this up?” I know, logically, some of this is my own niggling second guesswork that I always, always do. But I also know I’m not imagining it.
I’m torn right now, between wanting to throw caution to the wind and just put it all out there, and protecting myself from opinions that might change my course for the worse. I don’t have a job to concern myself with, really, and even if I did, I would just deal with it if it came up. I have a good support system; my family is really pulling in with me, and that makes this all a bit easier. I can’t foresee any backlash that I can’t handle, but then, I am usually far too trusting of people doing the right thing. I also feel it’s important to put the information out there for folks to see, because maybe, just maybe, my being brave enough to step up and speak up, might help someone else who never would have thought to look at autism for answers (like I did) to find something that will literally change their whole lives.
For me, I think that’s the heart of it all. Those two little words, Asperger’s Syndrome, hasn’t changed anything, really. If this is truly the case for me, it’s been here always, and will be here always. Nothing can be done to change it, and I’m not sure I would want to if it meant giving up the parts of me that make me who I am. On the other hand, it changes my perspective of absolutely EVERYTHING. At this point, I think, even if I got an answer from a professional that said, “Nope, you’re barking up the wrong tree”, I would always have this part in my mind that says, “But it just all makes SENSE.” I can’t read all of this, and NOT apply it to myself. In all my research so far, I’m finding that this does indeed invade EVERY part of my life. I’m beginning to feel that trying to separate out the parts of me that are Aspie and Not Aspie is going to be much more difficult than it appears. There’s a lot of chicken and egg questions here….did my Aspieness contribute to my depression, or are they separate issues? Would I have insomnia if I wasn’t Aspie? Would the seemingly PTSD -like symptoms I relate to my first marriage’s dissolution be what they are if I wasn’t Aspie? Does it help, or make things worse? Putting it out there, for all of my peers to see, is drawing attention to something that makes me who I am (as far as I’m concerned)…it’s a lot like saying I’m of Scottish decent, or I was raised in Colorado. It’s not the whole of me, but it’s a big part of what I identify myself as. Should I keep that to myself? What am I telling my kids if I do?
Then there’s the question of….if there became a magical cure (which there doesn’t appear to be any way of that ever happening) would I take the red pill or the blue pill? Would I want to be “normal”? There are things about me I really love, even though those very things have caused me a lot of heartache throughout my life. There’s also things that I wish I could do, that simply don’t seem will ever be possible because of my wiring. Yes I know people overcome their obstacles all the time, but what if that obstacle is just too broad to manage?
All these things have been racing through my brain for days now, and are part of the reason I went through all the trouble of listing off the traits and expounding. A lot of it is just working through this in my own head.
If I put it out there, I’m committing to it. Do I have the confidence to stand behind this in the face of finger pointing that I know will happen? Or will it undermine the progress I feel I’ve made in the last 21 days?
I guess I will wait it out and see what happens.