Some days, I need an off switch. A way to turn off my radar for other people’s emotions. I way to turn off feeling like every problem must be connected to me, because I’m always the screw up. A way to turn off my racing brain when I know there are more important things for me to be doing or worrying about. A way to cool my jets when I start getting upset. A way to make myself care when I should, or not care when I shouldn’t. Some days, being Aspie sucks.
Today has been one of those days for me.
Even staying in my room all day isn’t an escape. I can’t escape the voices in my own head telling me all about how stupid I am, and how gullible, and how naive. I am angry at myself that I can’t be mean, hard-hearted, vindictive, and petty, even if it would make my life easier. Why do I have to care? Why can’t I just NOT care, like everyone else? Why can I not just shake shit off, and move on? I’m tired of feeling like my world is caving in over little things, and things that aren’t my problem, and issues that don’t involve me, and things that aren’t going to kill me. Why do I feel like my heart is going to explode sometimes? Or my head? Or my ears?
It’s been one of those days.